Imperfectly Aware

I feel like I’ve been semiconscious for the last few years. I’m not saying that’s necessarily a bad thing- but it’s a bizarre feeling. You know that feeling you get when you pull into your driveway after work and realize you don’t remember anything after the first intersection? Multiply that by about four years.

It started when I started working. Starting the week after my high school graduation, I was an administrative assistant for three years. I got stuck in the rut of waking up, going to work, going home, going to sleep, lather, rinse, repeat. The days started to blur together as my tasks were mediocre at best and therefore, not particularly memorable.

Three months in, I started college. I was gone for roughly 15 hours a day between work and school. The only things that I truly remember about that first semester are how much I disliked my sociology teacher and how annoyed I was when Hubby skipped class since he was my ride.

The next semester, I joined my sorority. I had the time of my life as a sister, and don’t regret it at all. But between a full time job, going to school full time & all the charity events, social events, competitions and meetings with my chapter, I always had too much going on to focus on just one thing for any length of time. This caused me to just “get by” with all of them- I managed (just barely) to stay awake at work, got A’s & B’s (instead of my normal straight A’s) in my classes and showed up for everything for the chapter- even though I usually didn’t have time to be involved in whatever it was, I was there to show my support.

My life continued like that for two more years, a constantly repeating cycle of work, school, and social life. Once in awhile, something new happened: I brought a rescue dog home (and my dad subsequently started charging me rent- what he called “dog fees”), the dog attacked my dad- three times, I put said dog up for adoption (which broke my heart, but I knew I’d have kids and couldn’t have a vicious dog, not to mention he was unwelcome in my dad’s home for obvious reasons), Hubby and I rescued another dog (Bella!) and my cat ran away and hid in a tree for three days.

That three year period was one giant blur. But it was nothing compared to the time since then.

January 4, 2009 I learned that I was pregnant.

August 13, 2009 I had Shane.

&Since then, it’s been one big blur.

It’s not that I can’t remember. I remember everything- his first smile, first laugh, first tears and recently, first tooth. It’s just that it’s going so fast, and I feel like my life is stuck on fast forward.

Before I got pregnant, I always acknowledged that time was moving too quickly but I promised myself that after college, when I only had to worry about my career, I’d slow down, take care of myself, “find myself”- whatever that means, and devise a plan for how I wanted my life to play out.

I laugh at my nativity now- granted, I didn’t know I would have a child quite yet, but now I feel like I wasted so much energy wishing time would slow down. Somehow, each day seems shorter than the last.

I’m trying hard to work on living in the moment instead of worrying what I’m going to do next, what I did before, or what I could be doing instead. Time is relative, but it’s also limited. &I plan on using mine wisely.